Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Stupid Meat

We just bought a megaton turkey for the great Thanksgiving Day event at our home. I love meat, especially chicken; turkey runs a close second. So, it saddens me when I read articles about people buying tofu and mooshing it into a mound to resemble a big turkey breast. I've eaten tofu. I used to eat it all the time in Korea. Koreans know their tofu and they can really cook that stuff up! But there ain't no way you can cook up tofu to taste like turkey; maybe the brains of turkey or the guts of turkey, but not good ol' solid turkey breast meat. There isn't anything in the world that can replicate meat except meat, but then if that's your quest it doesn't make sense.

Wait, I may want to take that back. Spam is supposed to be meat. Its original purpose was to replicate a big ol' chunk of ham. But Spam is not ham. In fact, I don't know if anyone really knows what Spam is. Maybe it's tofu, old hardened tofu left over from the Korean War and doused with some kind of jellified sauce. Don't get me wrong, I like jelly, but not meat by-product jelly. That's just nasty.

What I find ironic is how there are so many recipes and sites on the Great Internet for tofu turkey or tofurkey (that's such a funny word, sounds almost like a cuss word) but the point of using tofu is NOT to have a bird on the table. I'm confused.

I think if I decided to go all out with tofu/no meat, on Thanksgiving I would shape my tofu like a celery stalk or tomato or head of lettuce. But then I would rename a "head" of lettuce to a "ball" of lettuce. Head sounds too much like meat.

Related video: Youtube "They're made of Meat"

Friday, November 21, 2008

I Stared Death In The Face

The day I stared Death in the Face, it wasn't very pretty. The day was actually very nice; sunny, about 72 degrees, fresh smell of autumn in the crisp air. I had to renew my city vehicle sticker so I drove to city hall. That city vehicle sticker...what is that all about?! Just another way The Man is keeping us down with more taxes... but that's another story.

City Hall...the nerve center of the city. The crown jewel of my great community; where freedom and justice is had by all. But the day I arrived, there was a disturbance outside the Halls of Justice. I just pulled up in my cool bullet-shaped hybrid when a car flew into the parking lot and screeched to a halt on the backside. A guy jumped out of the drivers side and tried to pull a female in his car, shouting, "Get in the car!! Get in the car!! Why you wanna do that and put me in jail?!"

I started to get out to see how I could help when the word "jail" stopped me in my tracks. JAIL?! Like in The Rock, The Big House, The House of Don't Drop the Soap in the Shower?! Thoughts flashed through my mind that this guy (Death) was an escaped convict who had crudely fashioned a shank from the prison metal shop, snuck it out by placing it in his posterior cavity, took it to his cell where he spent months carving a hole in the decaying prison walls. Finally he busted through to the other side and after the midnight watch, snaked through the steam pipe system, busted a hole in the old concrete sewage pipe and made his daring escape through the waste sludge of his fellow thugs, his hate ever increasing for revenge.

I knew I was about to see that infamous crude shank wrapped at one end with shreds of dirty underwear to make a handle, appear out of his jacket and slash the poor female to my front.

For some stupid reason, my feet began to involuntarily move towards the fray, into the jaws of death, like a stupid lamb innocently heading to the slaughter. Before I knew it I was staring Death himself right in his face...RIGHT IN HIS FACE. Okay, we were about 2 yards away from each other but I could see the hate in his eyes and smell the rage induced sweat from his Grim Reaper body.

Death halted his deathly actions to give me the look. You know, the steely eyed death look...up and down. I managed to mutter something about his actions only making things worse for his situation, which seems "negotiator cool" but it probably sounded more like the slurring sounds of the Attorney General at the Marriott before he collapsed to the floor recently.

After, what seemed like an hour, Death finally turned away, got in his death-mobile and took off with his two other death henchmen who were riding in the back of the vehicle.

I'd like to take credit for stopping a public flaying and blood bath, but I think it was the gathering crowd behind me that actually deterred the potentially ugly event.

As I reflect on the events of that day, all I can think of is...I need to check into getting a concealed gun permit because there were no police around...and this was at City Hall!

Monday, November 10, 2008

Women's Day...Ugh!

I've been debating for an entire day whether or not I should even write about this...but, it's really been on my mind and, what the heck, it's only a public blog so no one will read this.

Sunday was Women's Day at church. I didn't know that until I got to church, but that was a welcome change. I like the church changing things up. There are three pastors who all take turns with the sermons. I like that; keeps things fresh.

Okay, first event of the day was getting up. That IS an event because Saturday night is movie and game night (Xbox/Wii) with the family. We didn't retire for the night until early AM. That's why we usually go to the latter service.

I looked in my closet for the right pants. I dress from bottom up..."Those black pants cling to my legs, those dark blue too long in the legs, these khakis make my butt look big. Okay, I'm going with the jeans. The ones from yesterday seem okay. No major dirt." The shirt was easier to choose because jeans mean casual. Had to rule out my two cool shirts. "How About A Nice Hot Cup Of...." and "Finch Better Have My Money" seemed inappropriate, so I went with a green polo shirt (even though I don't play polo).

Got to church, sat in a cozy seat, did a Twitter text, saw out of the corner of my eye the spouse give me one of those looks, put away the comm device, then it was time to sing. The music minister led us in America The Beautiful and Battle Hymn of the Republic. What a surprise. I think that was the same program from last Vet's Day. Why do we only sing those songs on Memorial Day and Vet's Day, anyway? Well, at least it wasn't Lee Greenwood's God Bless the USA. We Soldiers hear that song more than any normal human can stand; in every hooah video, every Welcome Home event, Going Away event, ball, dining-in, etc... Thank goodness we're Army Strong because normal strong couldn't take all that Lee Greenwood.

Third song was some obscure old Navy song from 1157AD or so. It was the music minister's fav so we had to stand and sing that one. What the!? Why not stand for America the Beautiful? Okay, I'm going to figure out how to be music minister for the day sometime so I can make people stand to "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" just because I like that one.

After the songs they announced it was Women's Day at the church. Unfortunately, the women had to share with the veterans because it was Veteran's Day sunday. No big deal, just tell the vets to stand, round of applause and then have them sit again.

For some reason, that wasn't good enough. The church made a really long video with slow changing photos and two very long patriotic songs on Powerpoint. I'm a Soldier, I've seen this before. It's like standard operating procedure for these types of events, so I sat through it all the while fighting the urge to get out the comm device to check Twitter. It's not that I don't like the church's efforts, but it's so darn predictable. Heck, mix it up a bit. Dress some guys up like they're "Charlie", lob some smoke grenades down the aisle and toss in some firecrackers. Activate some of those suppressed flashbacks and, well, then you would have a great service! Everybody low-crawlin' around in the sanctuary, vets running around all crazified. That would be a service long remembered.

Anyway, back to reality. Long Powerpoint slideshow, I go catatonic until I hear the golf-clap applause for the slideshow finale, then the sermon. Come to find out, Women's Day was just an event to have the women take over the service. It wasn't a tribute to women, just a day off for the male clergy. The lady delivering the sermon did spend a couple minutes explaining some of the organizations the Women's Society helps, but that was all. So I left feeling kind of like I missed the main event.

I don't feel any of the church staff meant to cheat the women and this is definitely not anything against God. Heck, if it weren't for God, I wouldn't be here to type this. His grace has carried me everyday.

I do see this kind of thing often in civilian organizations. Folks just don't really stop to think what Women's Day really means or Vet's Day or Memorial Day. What should have happened for Women's Day was to rename it something like Women's Heritage Day. Then use the entire event to highlight how women have contributed to the church from the early days of reformation up to now. Maybe have some posters in the narthex with historical postings and photos. Maybe have some songs tossed in that were composed by women. Guess I should suggest that for next year. But then, I may have the rose pinned on me to organize that day. Uh, maybe I should have my spouse raise the issue.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Deep Fry This!

So I'm sitting here thinking about how much food is deep-fried or has bacon added to it. One of the most challenging things for me is going to a restaurant and trying to find something NOT deep-fried and non-baconfied (sure, its a word). I recently went to a Chinese restaurant to find something fresh and healthy to eat. What was I thinking?! It was a Chinese restaurant! That means deep-fried everything...spring/egg rolls, stuffed won ton, noodles, General Tsos chicken, etc And what's not deep-fried is drenched in salt with a little bit of soy sauce. I've been to China and I know normal Chinese do not eat that junk. That's why they all live to be 125 yrs old and Americans seem to have by-pass surgery at 14, then die at 36. At an amusement park I saw deep-fried Twinkies and Snickers. How do you deep-fry a Twinkie without soaking up a gallon of liquid lard? After seeing that, I became convinced restaurants could deep-fry turds, put them on sticks and sell them for a good sum of money. If sales began to fall, just wrap a piece of bacon around it.